Getting Debi’d

I am older and so too is my mother. Today is her 65th birthday. It’s been almost two decades since I walked away from her in her moment of deepest terror, in that living room, in that town house that I enjoyed too much. She told me she was dying. And I walked away telling her that I hated our family. Two months prior I had helped carry my dad back into our house as he suffered from a stroke, my brother bearing most of his frame while I guided and opened doors and tried to keep my eyes open under confusion and fear. My mother told me that she was diagnosed with a brain tumor that August and I walked away from her. I was exhausted and I was scared of my mortal family, two parents, two heroes, two shields who were being taken from me. But I write this now after just texting her that I am home, driving thirty minutes back to Denver from her birthday party. It was almost two decades ago that she cursed God. Two decades ago that she glowed in anger at the fate that had been given to her. And the love that fueled that anger was the love that she had for my brother and I. She told God that she was not done living. She told God that she was not done guiding and loving her sons. She was not yet done helping those around her and helping the world around her try to be better. Her love for others made her catch fire amongst those rows of All Souls Catholic. Her love for my brother and I brought her to the edges of heaven screaming at a fate that she would not accept. She was not done. I watched her today, on her 65th birthday, be her best self. Smiling, comforting, encouraging, guiding, loving. And in all of this she was dancing, she was playing, she was cussing, she was displaying this victory of a life that she has made. The environment around her is due to nothing else but her conviction for a better life where happiness is a supreme possibility. She made that. She made all of this happen. She pursues a happiness that is aggressive in its effect on those around her and unheeding to it’s alternatives. And she knows well the alternative to this life. And she is here proclaiming that she is still living to the edge of what is possible and she is still loving beyond the edge of what is necessary or expected. Fucking right, mom.